Kindergarten and Online Dating: Rules of Engagement

Do you remember your first crush?  Your first kiss?  Chances are you do.  Those who know me would probably be shocked to learn I was collecting boyfriends by the age of five.  In fact, some of my early “relationships” happen to be  Facebook friends.  But no worries.  I was not a toddler who kissed with intent to write about it 40 years later.  For the record, I wasn’t the only tot in the neighborhood involved in passionate love affairs.  A lot of serious stuff went on in the sand box. In Kindergarten there were “popular” boys every girl wanted to play with at recess.  The stakes were high.  I once gave my  lunch money to a boy in first grade for a place on his “team” in our lunchtime game of cops and robbers.  There wasn’t enough peanut butter and jelly in the world to keep me away from the object of my affection.

Thinking back, I am baffled about how we knew or even cared about such things!  I know I didn’t learn about the complexity of love from Sesame Street or Captain Kangaroo.  The only conclusion I can come to is Barbie and Ken.  Barbie in her dream house with her Malibu tan.  Ken dropping by in his sports car to pick up Barbie for a “date”.  Thinking about it makes me laugh, but I can’t help but feel disturbed at the same time.  I wasn’t  even allowed to watch “Three’s Company” or “The Newlywed Game”!  I did know the phrase “making whoopee” was not something we talked about when the Reverend came to visit.  Today’s kids know certain language or behaviors in the presence of adults is inappropriate.  For the record, just because something is inappropriate doesn’t mean we always refrain from doing it.

Every generation says, “times have changed” but the social changes Generation X has witnessed have been mind-blowing.  I never imagined those clunky 1980’s computers would eventually lead me to a place where I could have the world at my fingertips.  The ability to research anything, talk to my family in real-time, or write a “blog” late at night were inventions unimaginable.  Even today, the realization of finding  my soul mate by something called “virtual reality” seems like something from a science fiction movie.  But here we are.

I write a lot about the changing of social culture and how media affects every aspects of our lives because I feel it’s crucial for us to have a solid understanding of how the changes in the last 25 years have changed every aspect of how we live our life.  For our kids, it’s the only life they know.  For those of us who are still young enough to get in trouble, it can be like a having access to a candy store 24 hours  a day.  If  you find yourself contemplating dating in mid-life, the thought of finding a chocolate bar with a golden ticket is appealing, tempting, and thrilling.  It reminds me of the “Camden Park” Roller Coaster I loved to ride as a child.  The rickety amusement sent adrenaline rushing through my body, partly because of the speed of bumpy cars on wooden tracks, partly because I was sure I would be bitten and killed by the legendary snakes living in the tunnel.  The thrill of the unknown is hard to beat.

If you are a modern-day online dater, you know exactly what I’m talking about.  What could be better than window shopping for the perfect mate in our pajamas late at night?  Isn’t it intriguing to get an email from the beautiful woman who “winked”?  Won’t it be mysterious to finally meet Friday night for dinner?  Can’t you feel your heart beating when you say hello for the first time?  It’s a lot like your first kiss.  The technology has changed, but have the rules?  Using an Internet Website to find a mate is simply a different way to achieve our goal, right?  We’re the same people!  We were raised with values and are determined not to compromise those beliefs.  No date is worth it, no matter how thrilling the chase!  Then again, weren’t we the ones running around at recess playing “tag”?  Just try to tell me you didn’t have a crush on the boy (or girl) you were “tagging”.  Right.  Uh huh.

So, does this mean we are all doomed to cancel our Match.com subscription and go back to hanging out in grocery stores and book clubs?  No.  The truth is, things really haven’t changed so much, at least when it comes to playground rules of engagement.  The things we learned in Kindergarten courting can be applied.  It makes sense if you think about it.

1.  Be nice.  If you aren’t nice, nobody will pick you to be on their team.

2.  If the cute boy won’t let you play on the “cop” team, there happens to be a very handsome future doctor on the “robber” team.  Check him out.

3.  If you don’t get picked to play cops and robbers, take some “me” time and hang out on the swing set for a while.  Sometimes playing hard to get isn’t a bad idea.

4.  Never take your best friend’s place on the “cop” team if she gets kicked off.  It’s not worth losing your BFF over.

5.   Just because a boy takes your lunch money and lets you be on his “cop” team does not make him your boyfriend!  It makes him a “player” and it makes you stupid!  But I am putting my money on you.  Life’s playground is not always an easy place to be and sometimes we get bruised.  Follow the rules, remember Barbie and Ken were dolls, and don’t “make whoopee” until you are sure what it really is!  When you do find your prince (or princess) charming, drop me a line.  I love happy endings.  God Bless.

The Dark Side of Valentine’s Day

Today is Valentine’s Day – or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!”  Jay Leno

Two weeks ago a good friend of mine sent me a message asking if she should force her daughter to attend school on Valentine’s Day.  According to my friend, this young teen has been in agony over the prospect of facing giggling girls receiving vases of flowers and boxes of chocolates.  My friend explained her daughter loved school and never wanted to skip, but she was asking in advance to play hooky on February 14th.  My answer was, “Of course let her skip!  Take her shopping, get her nails done, and make the day about self love.  Tell her how special she is.  And tell her next year she won’t want to skip because she will have grown into a stronger, more confident young woman who will understand the silliness of the day!”

Was my response right?  Who knows. I have adult female friends who call in sick on Valentine’s Day for the exact reason!  If the sight of a stuffed teddy bear will send a professional woman running, imagine how alone and hurt a 15 year old may feel.  I started calling Valentine’s Day, “Single Awareness Day” several years ago.  I am sure many hopeless romantics will disagree.  After all, who am I to criticize the holiday?  But for all the 1-800 Dial- a- Flower orders being placed at this moment, I must ask, “Is it worth it?”  Think about it.  Valentine’s Day is the only holiday responsible for bringing awareness to your relationship status.  You are either in or out.  Even in elementary school there are kid’s who get pretty cards, and kid’s who don’t.  When I was young, some teachers forced everyone to give the “smelly little boy” a valentine. Seven year olds are not usually graced in the art of being subtle.  Smelly little boy didn’t have a valentine’s box so he got a crumpled mess on his desk with a couple random candy hearts.  I remember watching in anticipation to see which girls would get the “best” valentines.  The shoeboxes turned into shiny mailboxes sitting proud on our desks as we waited for that “special someone” to visit our desk.  My square cardboard mailbox was never very pretty.  Because my Mother was ill and I had to share aluminum foil and construction paper with my little sisters,  the glamorous box I imagined was always an embarrassing mess.  Never mind “Samantha’s box”, a bedazzled conglomeration of pink glitter with actual blinking lights around the mailbox slot.  Samantha’s big haired Mother beamed proudly over pink frosted cupcakes while my bag of greasy potato chips went unnoticed.  I remember Samantha in all her Valentine’s glory, handing out cupcakes while the second grade boys professed their love.  The other girls and I hid in the cloakroom, whispering, “Oh no she didn’t!” while pinky swearing to get even.  I’m pretty sure it was the first time I actually considered committing violence on Cupid’s Birthday. But the attention span of a 2nd grader lasts until about recess and we had lots of sugar to burn off.  But in years to follow, I would develop deeper issues surrounding a holiday intended to promote love.

Fast forward to 10th grade.  Valentines Day at High School!  I am convinced this cute senior I’ve been checking out will be sending me a rose.  The Student Council is selling single roses to raise money for prom.  I watch excitedly from the small window in Geometry Class a posse of squealing girls travel up and down the hall.  Finally, the rose parade reaches my class and my name is called out.  I rise and gracefully make my way towards the center of the room, picturing the handsome boy taking me to prom.  I reach to receive the rose, the ultimate promise of love, and am handed a rose spray painted black.  The room explodes in laughter when the card is read out lout, “Never steal my blue jeans again!  Love, your sister, Julie.”  Julie!  What a brat!  The rest of the day was spent plotting my sister’s untimely death, or at least figuring out how to get back at her.  I’m almost sure the next morning we went to school with black eyes.  This is my point.  Valentine’s Day is destructive!  People get hurt!

For years I was able to tame the Valentine’s Beast within me.  I avoided Hallmark commercials.  I didn’t wear red.  I avoided chocolate at all costs (that last one was a complete lie).  Overall I think I did well considering the Valentine’s Trauma I suffered. But just because you have come out of the darkness does not mean the shadows do not continue to lurk.

It happened one cold and rainy Valentine’s Day.  The year was 1990.  I had worked late and needed milk for my son’s breakfast. That’s when I spotted them.  A group of grown men huddled about the Hallmark section, desperately trying to find a last minute card for their significant other.  The look in their eye was sheer panic.  The clock on the wall said 8:45 p.m.  Only 15 more minutes to find their lady something amazing in Rite Aid or it would be bed in the dog house!  Some men wondered aimlessly to the cosmetic section, desperately picking up random lipsticks or finger nail polish. One man had a box of Kotex in his cart and was trying to size it to a pretty gift bag.  It was like a Valentine’s Apocalypse!  I didn’t know whether to help or run screaming.  I was just about to turn and leave when I saw him.  My husband.  Right there.  Most of the men wore the same hunting camouflage so they sort of blended in.   I rushed to make my escape.  I couldn’t wait to see what treasures he brought home.  A gift certificate to Macy’s would have been nice.

At 9:27 p.m. I heard the sound of my husband’s truck pull into our gravel driveway.  I tried to act casual.  He walked in with  (you guessed it!) a Rite Aid bag in one hand, and a six pack of beer in the other.  I wondered which was for me.  I won’t get into details, because some things should be kept sacred.  But failing to disclose the content of the bag would be unfair to my readers.  The red and white plastic bag contained:

1.  One Valentine’s Day Card.  The card was in the envelope but not signed.  On the front of the card was a picture of an African American couple walking hand in hand on the beach.  I secretly wished I could apologize to the couple on the card.

2.  One bag of Levi Garrett Chewing Tobacco.

3.  One box of assorted “Rite Aid” brand of chocolates, and

4.  One battery operated stuffed monkey that sang, “Love is a Battlefield”.

To say I was stunned is putting it lightly.  Suddenly, the memories came flooding back… tin foil mailboxes, bedazzled Mothers and black roses.  I think all those years just built up and the Levi Garrett just pushed me right over the edge.  I have never been the same.

It’s taken a lot of time over the years to recover from the Valentine’s tragedies.  I have forgiven all the people responsible and like to think of myself in a happy place.  In case you’re wondering, “smelly little boy” is now the CEO of his own international company.  He married Samantha.  Unfortunately, Samantha’s Mother was involved in a nasty bedazzling accident and never recovered.  The Father of my amazing son, Michael, and I decided we were we much better off celebrating holidays separately, but we remain good friends and are stronger people because of it.  I married Kevin in December 2011 and although it is cheesy to say, everyday with my husband is a day filled with love.  The couple walking down the beach on the hallmark card lived happily ever after….

I have devoted my Valentine’s Days to spreading the word about self love.  There’s something to be said about loving yourself before you can be capaple of loving another.  This Valentine’s Day, reach out and give yourself a big hug!  Because if there is one reason in the world to celebrate a holiday about love, you will find it by looking in the mirror.  Besides, against all odds, I found the kind of love worth waiting for.  It may have taken me a lot of tin foil mailboxes to get there, but life is funny that way.

Note: All characters and events in this blog are either true, an exaggeration, or a lie.  🙂

Relationships and Dating: How To Get It Right

Relationships.  My life’s work has been about studying, understanding, teaching, and saving relationships.  The mystery of male  and female  relationships is certainly not new.  I imagine Adam and Eve sitting in my office, fully leaved, trying to figure out when the honeymoon in paradise turned to hell.  Adam blames Eve for causing their new Apple Computer to crash after friending a snake she didn’t know and accepting a file which contained a cursed virus.  Eve claims she never would have been chatting with the snake if Adam stopped playing X Box and paid more attention to her.  It’s not a new story.  In fact, although advances in technology may have changed the game,  the desired outcome remains.  We all want meaningful relationships packed with friendship, romance, security and trust.  The truth is, we all want to be loved.

According to The American Psychological Association (APA), close to 50% of all marriages in the United States end in divorce .  The Journal of Marital & Family Therapy reports 65% of married men have cheated at least once during their marriage.  Who are these men cheating with?  Statistics reveal 60% of married women have been unfaithful to their husbands.  To make things more dismal, second and third marriages are much more likely to end in divorce than first marriages.  But if we get divorced, most of us want to find love again.  The sad thing is, most divorced adults have no idea how to date in today’s world.  After working with hundreds of individuals and couples, I have learned a few tricks to find love.  I also believe love the second (or third) time around can be the best love of all.

I have come up with some dating/relationship tips for those who have been swimming in the single pond too long.  So grab a towel, dry yourself off, and get ready to find the person you were meant to be with.

1.  Leave past relationship garbage in the garbage.  While many of us suffer trauma after a failed relationship, it’s important to deal with the trauma before you become involved with another person.  It isn’t fair to get involved when you’re wounded.  Take time to heal, see a counselor, and work through your pain before dating.  Remember, like attracts like.  If you are not healthy, you risk choosing someone who is not healthy.  The following behaviors are red flags:

A.  You feel the need to tell your new love every horrid detail of your past relationship.

B.  You immediately start to compare your new love to your old love, even to the point of looking for your new love to do something wrong.

C.  You find yourself sneaking to look at texts when your new love is out of the room and you are suspicious every time their phone rings.

D.  You find yourself picking fights with your new love.  After all, if the last one didn’t work out, why should this one?

2.   Falling in love after the second date is not only impossible, it’s stupid.  This behavior screams insecurity.  People who fall too fast are afraid they are not worthy of love and assume their new love will discover this and leave.  If you do this then you are spot on, your new love will run for the hills.

3.  Picking fights with your new love so they can “prove” their devotion is a recipe for disaster.  Seriously?  You are going to get into a screaming match because your new love didn’t call you at exactly the time you were expecting?  Unless they possess supernatural patience, this nonsense will be tolerated for a week.  Maybe.

4.  Moving in after one month is a bad idea.  “When you know, you know!”  While that may be true, even the best matched couples need time to get to know each other.  Besides, when you combine toiletries too soon the anticipation and romance tend to get lost in discussions about what type of toothpaste to buy.

5.  Love is not enough.  I am sure there are some hopeless romantics who will argue this point, but I will say it again.  Love is not enough.  Relationships work when you have the same values and share similar world views.  Although it’s not necessary to agree on everything, wanting the same things out of life is important.  “Growing apart” simply means you are paddling in different directions.

6.  Sex and romance are important.  There are many ways to show love.  Physical and emotional intimacy create strong bonds between two people.  Is your relationship going to be a mirror of “The Notebook”?  Let’s hope not!  However, don’t fool yourself into thinking the physical part doesn’t matter.

7. Communication is key.  When a couple comes to see me for relationship counseling, lack of communication is almost always the  problem.  The funny thing is, couples usually do not realize they are not communicating.  I guess they figure fighting 24/7 is communication, when in fact they are just making noise.  The good news is, communication is not rocket science.  It can be learned with a little effort.

8.  Commitment is not a free pass to stop taking care of yourself.  Sure, we all gain a few pounds and nobody is immune to morning breath.  A female client once told me she didn’t have to watch her weight or exercise after she got married.  Seriously?  While we shouldn’t expect our mate to be on the front cover of Fitness Magazine, we also shouldn’t end up with Jabba the Hutt.

9.  Get a life outside your relationship.  It’s nice to want to spend time with your sweetheart.  It’s a little creepy to never leave each other’s sight.  Whatever you enjoyed doing before the relationship, keep doing!  Keep your “girls night out” every week.  Play poker with the guys.  Too often we lose our individual identity in a relationship.  You will be healthier and happier if you can function for an evening without your honey.

10.  Confidence is Sexy. When you decide it’s time to get back on the horse and start dating again, remember that feeling good about who you are is the most attractive quality you can have.  There is no getting around physical attraction.  Just remember, if you believe you are the bomb, other people will too.  Good luck out there.  It’s a jungle.

2013: Time To Get Real About Facebook

For the past several days I have been thinking about the New Year and what I wish to happen in 2013.  I think resolutions are hokey.  Afterall, 92% of promises made to lose weight or make great life changes fail.  But even if New Year Resolutions are doomed before they begin, there is something to be said for anticipating fresh starts.  It seems a good thing to evaluate the previous year in an attempt to make changes that will improve our life.  It may be we fail at resolutions because we set our goals too high, expecting too much too fast.  Perhaps success would be possible if we were a bit more gentle on ourselves.  Then again, could it be possible our failure stems from not being completely honest?

Several months ago I took a confidential poll about the habits and beliefs of people using Facebook.  I was both amazed and a little startled at the results.

1.  How many hours a day are you on Facebook?  78% stated 1-3 hours a day, while 11% stated 3-6 hours a day.  That’s 88% of people spending 1-6 hours a day on Facebook!   6% answered less than one hour a day and 6% answered “they were always on Facebook”.

2.  Do you feel guilty about the amount of time you spend on FB?  28% said Yes, while 75% said No.  So, I have to ask myself, if 88% of us are spending 1-6 hours a day on FB, why aren’t we feeling guilty?  Shouldn’t we be spending our time doing something else?

3.  How often do you neglect other responsibilities because you are on FB?  67% of the responders said they “sometimes neglect responsibilities” while 33% said  they rarely “neglect responsibilities”.  I am interested in what responsibilities we are neglecting and why we continue to do so knowing we are doing it?   Just a thought.

4.  Have you ever gotten into an argument or had your feelings hurt on FB?  I was actually surprised to see that 61% of people said they had gotten into an argument or had their feelings hurt on FB, while 39% stated they had never argued or had feelings hurt.  Note:  I am wondering if this percentage has gone up since the election and the recent shooting in Newtown, Conn.

5.  Have you lost friends because of arguments/hurt feelings from FB? 28% stated they had lost friends on FB due to arguments/hurt feelings while 72% stated they had not lost friends.  So if we are arguing, it looks like we are at least forgiving and forgetting for the most part.

6.  Have you ever felt envy, jealousy, or other negative emotions when looking at a friend’s FB?  50% said Yes, and 50% said No.  Interesting, huh?

7.  Have you gossiped about a FB Friend  with other FB Friends?  Again, 50% stated they had gossiped, and 50% stated they had not.

8.  Have you ever told yourself you would “cut back” on time spent on FB and found you cannot?  28% admitted Yes while 72% answered No.  So while many of us are spending between 1-6 hours a day on FB, we don’t as a majority think it’s a “problem”.

9.  Has a family member (spouse, child) complained that you spend too much time on FB?  33% responded Yes while 67% said No.  That should be good news, right?  Unless our spouses and children are spending just as much time on FB as we are.  Hmmmm….

10. Do you feel “some” people use FB for negative reasons?  Big surprise here!  100% of people said, Yes, they feel some people use FB for negative reasons.  Now all we have to do is find those people and kick them out!

11. Do you feel you have a “false image” of your life on FB or feel you have to “live up” to the image you have created?  Interestingly, 22% polled said Yes, and 78% answered No.  I would guess more people do create a sense of false identity on FB, including me.  I mean, come on.  How many pictures of me do you see with my sweatpants on, dirty kitchen in the background with dog pee on the floor?  That’s because I don’t own a pair of sweatpants, my kitchen is always clean, and my dogs never pee on the floor.  Yeah, uh huh….

12.  What is the main reason you use Facebook for?  78% of responders said “to stay in touch with friends and family”, while 11% said, “boredom”.  I was surprised that 0% said they use FB for business networking.  I guess one may use FB for all of the above reasons.  For the 11% who use FB from boredom, if you are among the group who stays on 1-6 hours a day, perhaps you may find something less boring to do!

13.  Have you ever flirted with the opposite sex on FB when you knew it was inappropriate?  11% admitted Yes, they had flirted inappropriately while 89% answered No.  Like I mentioned earlier, it happens.  Don’t think it doesn’t.  But I am glad to see for the most part we are keeping it real.

14.  Have you ever “stalked” another person on FB to find information about that person?  28% admitted to “stalking” while 72% denied.  My guess is that people who “stalk” aren’t psychopaths but just really curious people.

15.  Do you feel FB has provided you with support or “something missing” from your life?  Wow!  61% said Yes while 39% said No.  I would be interested in hearing what you think about that one.  But for the people who said “Yes”, I get it.

I must be honest and say I was a little disappointed at the lack of comments or feedback from this poll.  Personally, the results made me think about my own use of social media.  If I am real with myself, I must admit I spend too much time surfing the news feed.  I post too many status updates.  I love playing with my friends!  Facebook is an excellent way to wake up in the morning, a great escape between my patients during the day, and a nice way to unwind in the evening.  The question is, am I spending too much time on Facebook?  I must say “yes“.  I could be getting fresh air walking the dog, volunteering, or editing the novel I wrote a few years ago!  I am fortunate my child is grown, and my husband doesn’t seem to mind the time, although I sometimes zone out while he is talking to me.  He is patient but deep down I know it’s not okay.

So why am I once again “stirring the nest”?  A few weeks ago a 14-year-old patient of mine sat crying in my office, telling me the latest “problems” with her friends, boys, teachers, etc.  Most of what she was upset about seemed like normal teen drama.  I asked her, mostly out of curiosity, if she felt she could talk to her Mother about her problems.  Her answer was, “She’s always texting or on Facebook!  I can literally be saying, “MOM!  MOM!” and she will just ignore me!”  This made me sad, because I know my patient’s Mother is a good parent, and I know she probably has no idea her use of technology is causing damage to her relationship with her daughter.  I have to wonder how many other children take a second seat to Facebook.  My guess is the percentage is higher than any of us want to admit.  Many of the teens I am privileged to work with have been bullied on Facebook, have experienced stress over reading the “problems” of other teens, and have gotten into trouble by the content of their own posts.  I assure you, these teens are every teen.  I applaud parents who closely monitor their children’s activity on Facebook and encourage all parents to do the same.

But problems with Facebook aren’t only with teens.  According to Rosanna Guadagno, a Social Psychologist  at the National Science Foundation, claims that “Facebook has made our relationships transparent in a way they’ve never been before.”  Privacy is non-existent.  One click and everyone knows when you have had a bad day, a disagreement, or even broken up with your partner!  A recent study from the University of Wisconsin-Madison found that disagreements within couples over the perilous “relationship status” were associated with lower relationship satisfaction for women.  And what happens when the relationship is over?  A recent study showed that 75% of people actively keep tabs on their exes, although such behavior causes more distress and difficulty moving on.  Similar issues happen within families.  Most of us have relatives we would rather not have on our timeline, but we feel obligated to include them.  This is okay most of the time, but when Aunt Betty starts making judgemental remarks on your posts and then proceeds to inform the entire family about every life detail… there’s a problem!  Do you ignore her?  Unfriend her?  Block her?  Not an easy decision and definitely not something you want to explain at the family reunion.

Most of these dilemmas have been around for a long time.  But two issues, politics and religion, seem to be growing in controversy.  I guess my fear over damage done on Facebook started a few months before the election.  I watched discussions turn into heated arguments.  Friends deleted friends during the debates as voting day grew closer.  I witnessed people who I knew to be kind turn angry and rude.  A close family member of mine left Facebook until the elections were over, stating “there was just too much negativity”.  I’m not proud to say, I was right in the middle of it.  Although I tried my best to stay even-tempered, I found myself angered over beliefs that were so far against my own.  I managed not to get into any arguments, but several of them happened on my timeline.  I feel bad about that.  I am concerned when we are not face to face it is easier to be mean to people.  Name calling and belittling others is just not okay.  I ask myself, “What is happening to us?”  My sadness has only grown since the recent shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary.  I watched as people begged in their posts to please keep issues about gun control quiet until after the funerals were over.  It didn’t happen.  The horrible murders of so many innocents immediately turned into a political issue.  I cannot imagine how I would feel if I were a parent of one of the dead.

My words seem harsh to me, but I ask my readers to take a step back and look at how we are interacting with each other.  Everyday, I see goodness on Facebook.  I see support and prayers for the sick, encouragement for the unemployed, and amazing friendships that would never have happened without this technology.  I see people who are disabled and isolated, who would not have any human connection otherwise.  So I will stay on Facebook, because I believe the good will outweigh the bad.  However, I understand it isn’t up to me.  I can only take responsibility for my own actions and I plan to make a few changes.  May God Bless you throughout the New Year and always…

How Does Facebook Influence Your Life: A Poll

Lately I’ve been interested in the role Facebook (FB) plays in people’s daily lives.  It seems the word “Facebook” comes up more often when I talk to people.  I know Facebook plays a big part in my life.  Curious about both positive and negative consequences of Facebook, I decided to take a poll and ask some of the burning questions on my mind.  I wanted to know how much time people spend on FB each day. I wanted to know the reasons people used FB, and if the social networking site had ever caused a problem in their life.

Since the beginning of the Internet, I have been aware of problems chat rooms, IM, and other forms of Internet communication can cause in people’s lives.  In 1995, I was practicing in Beckley, WV as a marriage & family counselor.  The Internet had really taken off and people were flocking to chat rooms of all kinds.  I had several people suffer relationship breakups, including divorce, from “affairs” people had started on the Internet.  At the time, there wasn’t a lot of research on the subject, but I could see then the damage the world-wide web was having on families.  People often came home from work and went right to their computer, logging on for hours while neglecting their spouses and children.  Unfortunately, countless people made decisions to leave their families to travel to another state to meet a person they had met in a chatroom.  Sometimes these “meetings” ended up destroying families.  In addition, people prone to sexual addiction were easy targets to “cyber-sex” chat rooms and pornography became just a keystroke away.  People who may have been vulnerable to sexual addiction but would never pursue it became much more likely to engage in the addictive sexual behaviors on the Internet.  Many of these people ended up in therapy, some finding help while others met destruction.

In talking to the people who were having Internet relationships, or Internet Addictions, it was interesting to hear the responses my clients would have when I asked them their reasoning for leaving their husband for someone they met online or spending so many hours playing games or viewing pornography until their entire family life was neglected or ruined.  “Why do you think this is the right thing to do?” I would ask.  The person would usually think about it for a moment, as if they had not thought about it before, and then say something like, “I don’t know.  I guess I’m not happy at home.  I can be anyone I want to be when I’m online.”  There it was.  “I can be anyone I want to be when I’m online.” 

The problem with this was apparent to me.  Internet relationships are not real relationships.  Some people will argue with me about this.  But the truth is, a relationship created on the Internet is largely a fantasy.  Again, “I can be anyone I want to be when I’m online.”  “I can be sexy.  I can be smart.  I can be beautiful.  The person on the other end doesn’t need to see me in sweatpants, no makeup, 25 lbs. overweight.  I can create an image of the person I want to be.”  While this was easy to understand, it was also a little creepy.  I mean, sooner or later the person would want a picture or want to meet.  Then what?  I knew people who “dated” online for years without seeing as much as a photograph of the other person.  Did these relationships work?  Actually, some did.  Unfortunately most didn’t, and most caused devastation in the person’s “real” life.

Facebook and other social networking sites have added a whole new dimension to how we communicate with the world.  While chat rooms and instant messaging was a way to have relationships with people in a controlled setting, Facebook pretty much puts it out there for the whole world to see.  Sure, you can have privacy settings to protect the world from knowing everything you post, but most people feel comfortable sharing a lot of information with “friends” or “friends of friends”.  I have talked to so many people who have talked about how Facebook has had a positive influence in their life.  Connecting with old friends from high school, staying in touch with family members, sharing photos, having discussions, and praying for a sick friend are just some of the ways Facebook has made a positive impact in people’s lives.  For me, Facebook has connected me to old friends, new friends, has helped me to make business contacts… the list goes on and on.  But I can’t say all my experiences on FB have been positive.

So I decided to take a confidential poll to see what others were thinking about the role FB has played in their lives. Thank you to all who trusted me enough to answer the questions.  For those who didn’t participate, I still think you will find this interesting. The results are as follows:

1.  How many hours a day are you on Facebook?  78% stated 1-3 hours a day, while 11% stated 3-6 hours a day.  That’s 88% of people spending 1-6 hours a day on Facebook!   6% answered less than one hour a day and 6% answered “they were always on Facebook”.

2.  Do you feel guilty about the amount of time you spend on FB?  28% said Yes, while 75% said No.  So, I have to ask myself, if 88% of us are spending 1-6 hours a day on FB, why aren’t we feeling guilty?  Shouldn’t we be spending our time doing something else?

3.  How often do you neglect other responsibilities because you are on FB?  67% of the responders said they “sometimes neglect responsibilities” while 33% said  they rarely “neglect responsibilities”.  I am interested in what responsibilities we are neglecting and why we continue to do so knowing we are doing it?   Just a thought.

4.  Have you ever gotten into an argument or had your feelings hurt on FB?  I was actually surprised to see that 61% of people said they had gotten into an argument or had their feelings hurt on FB, while 39% stated they had never argued or had feelings hurt.

5.  Have you lost friends because of arguments/hurt feelings from FB?  28% stated they had lost friends on FB due to arguments/hurt feelings while 72% stated they had not lost friends.  So if we are arguing, it looks like we are at least forgiving and forgetting for the most part.  That’s a good thing I think.

6.  Have you ever felt envy, jealousy, or other negative emotions when looking at a friend’s FB?  50% said Yes, and 50% said No.  Interesting, huh?

7.  Have you gossiped about a FB Friend  with other FB Friends?  Again, 50% stated they had gossiped, and 50% stated they had not.

8.  Have you ever told yourself you would “cut back” on time spent on FB and found you cannot?  28% admitted Yes while 72% answered No.  So while many of us are spending between 1-6 hours a day on FB, we don’t as a majority think it’s a “problem”.

9.  Has a family member (spouse, child) complained that you spend too much time on FB?  33% responded Yes while 67% said No.  That should be good news, right?  Unless our spouses and children are spending just as much time on FB as we are.  Hmmmm….

10. Do you feel “some” people use FB for negative reasons?  Big surprise here!  100% of people said, Yes, they feel some people use FB for negative reasons.  Now all we have to do is find those people and kick them out!

11. Do you feel you have a “false image” of your life on FB or feel you have to “live up” to the image you have created?  Interestingly, 22% polled said Yes, and 78% answered No.  I would guess more people do create a sense of false identity on FB, including me.  I mean, come on.  How many pictures of me do you see with my sweatpants on, dirty kitchen in the background with dog pee on the floor?  That’s because I don’t own a pair of sweatpants, my kitchen is always clean, and my dogs never pee on the floor.  Yeah, uh huh….

12.  What is the main reason you use Facebook for?  78% of responders said “to stay in touch with friends and family”, while 11% said, “boredom”.  I was surprised that 0% said they use FB for business networking.  I guess one may use FB for all of the above reasons.  For the 11% who use FB from boredom, if you are among the group who stays on 1-6 hours a day, perhaps you may find something less boring to do!

13.  Have you ever flirted with the opposite sex on FB when you knew it was inappropriate?  11% admitted Yes, they had flirted inappropriately while 89% answered No.  Like I mentioned earlier, it happens.  Don’t think it doesn’t.  But I am glad to see for the most part we are keeping it real.

14.  Have you ever “stalked” another person on FB to find information about that person?  28% admitted to “stalking” while 72% denied.  My guess is that people who “stalk” aren’t psychopaths but just really curious people.

15.  Do you feel FB has provided you with support or “something missing” from your life?  Wow!  61% said Yes while 39% said No.  I would be interested in hearing what you think about that one.  But for the people who said “Yes”, I get it.

At the end of the poll, I included a comment box where people could write their personal experiences and opinions about Facebook and the role social networking has played in their lives.  I was touched to read about people who have physical illnesses who have been able to have a social life due to FB.  For these people, their lives have definitely been enriched.  One person talked about how the support from friends on FB gave her the courage to leave a bad relationship.  Another person with Social Anxiety or “Social Phobia” talked about FB giving him a gateway to the outside world.  He had made friends, could communicate, and had gained more knowledge of what was going on in the world around him.  These positive stories make me happy for FB and for the good it has done for people.  I do believe the positive far outweighs the negative.  However, I do think it’s not a bad idea for each of us to take a step back and answer these questions honestly.  You don’t even have to tell!  It’s never a bad idea to evaluate the role social networking is playing in our lives.  If it “ain’t broke”, then it “don’t need fixed”!  But if there are some negative aspects creeping up, you have the power to make changes.  That’s the beauty of it.  Thanks for participating.  I welcome all comments, good and bad!

Searching For The Wizard

     Remember The Wizard of Oz when Dorothy finds her life in a whirlwind, landing in a strange land with no idea of what to do or where to go?  Perhaps you have found yourself in the middle of a tornado, everything going wrong with no idea how to escape the funnel cloud you are stuck in. What happens when the tornado decides to drop you and suddenly you find yourself in a stranger place?  What do you do then?  Dorothy, surrounded by fear about her future, depended on her instinct to follow the yellow brick road.  You may be asking yourself, “How did I get here?”  Maybe your life wasn’t perfect, but I’m sure you didn’t expect harassment by the Wicked Witch of the West!  One minute your biggest worry is rising gas prices, the next you’re on lookout for lions, tigers, and bears.  Oh my.

     But as most of us know, life is as unpredictable as the weather.  Once you’ve found yourself in a whirlwind of change, heading to The Wizard for answers and wisdom may seem like a good idea.  Finding yourself in a strange place is scary.  As you stand in line to talk to The Wizard, you may see a  neighbor who has recently become unemployed.  Maybe you spot a friend going through a painful divorce and a family member dealing with medical problems.  You chat with your family and friends while waiting for the “all knowing” Wizard.  You sincerely hope he will be “all-knowing” and help everyone in need. Will the Wizard advise taking unemployment to start a new business?  Will he tell your friend to get a good lawyer and ask for alimony?  Does he suggest trying the new medical experiment or does he insist on sticking  with conventional treatments?  We need answers!   What if he makes the wrong decisions?

     The truth is, we realized a long time ago the Wizard is nothing more than a character in an old Judy Garland movie.  But most of us have a more important source of wisdom.  We have God.  We have a parent who has lived and learned.  We have instinct.  The question is, do we listen to these resources?  Do we pray for guidance?  Do we lean on a loved one for honest advice?  Do we listen to the tiny voice inside that whispers “yes, go for it!” or “no, run!”

     When you find yourself at a crossroads, turn towards yourself.  Trust what your parents have taught you and all you have learned by faith.  Reach out to others and listen to what they say.  Take time to think about options before you act. Pray. And when you’re ready…. GO FOR IT!  Just stay away from Oz.  The man behind the curtain is wanted in two states for impersonating a Wizard.  I think he was featured on “America’s Most Wanted” last week.  🙂