Kindergarten and Online Dating: Rules of Engagement

Do you remember your first crush?  Your first kiss?  Chances are you do.  Those who know me would probably be shocked to learn I was collecting boyfriends by the age of five.  In fact, some of my early “relationships” happen to be  Facebook friends.  But no worries.  I was not a toddler who kissed with intent to write about it 40 years later.  For the record, I wasn’t the only tot in the neighborhood involved in passionate love affairs.  A lot of serious stuff went on in the sand box. In Kindergarten there were “popular” boys every girl wanted to play with at recess.  The stakes were high.  I once gave my  lunch money to a boy in first grade for a place on his “team” in our lunchtime game of cops and robbers.  There wasn’t enough peanut butter and jelly in the world to keep me away from the object of my affection.

Thinking back, I am baffled about how we knew or even cared about such things!  I know I didn’t learn about the complexity of love from Sesame Street or Captain Kangaroo.  The only conclusion I can come to is Barbie and Ken.  Barbie in her dream house with her Malibu tan.  Ken dropping by in his sports car to pick up Barbie for a “date”.  Thinking about it makes me laugh, but I can’t help but feel disturbed at the same time.  I wasn’t  even allowed to watch “Three’s Company” or “The Newlywed Game”!  I did know the phrase “making whoopee” was not something we talked about when the Reverend came to visit.  Today’s kids know certain language or behaviors in the presence of adults is inappropriate.  For the record, just because something is inappropriate doesn’t mean we always refrain from doing it.

Every generation says, “times have changed” but the social changes Generation X has witnessed have been mind-blowing.  I never imagined those clunky 1980’s computers would eventually lead me to a place where I could have the world at my fingertips.  The ability to research anything, talk to my family in real-time, or write a “blog” late at night were inventions unimaginable.  Even today, the realization of finding  my soul mate by something called “virtual reality” seems like something from a science fiction movie.  But here we are.

I write a lot about the changing of social culture and how media affects every aspects of our lives because I feel it’s crucial for us to have a solid understanding of how the changes in the last 25 years have changed every aspect of how we live our life.  For our kids, it’s the only life they know.  For those of us who are still young enough to get in trouble, it can be like a having access to a candy store 24 hours  a day.  If  you find yourself contemplating dating in mid-life, the thought of finding a chocolate bar with a golden ticket is appealing, tempting, and thrilling.  It reminds me of the “Camden Park” Roller Coaster I loved to ride as a child.  The rickety amusement sent adrenaline rushing through my body, partly because of the speed of bumpy cars on wooden tracks, partly because I was sure I would be bitten and killed by the legendary snakes living in the tunnel.  The thrill of the unknown is hard to beat.

If you are a modern-day online dater, you know exactly what I’m talking about.  What could be better than window shopping for the perfect mate in our pajamas late at night?  Isn’t it intriguing to get an email from the beautiful woman who “winked”?  Won’t it be mysterious to finally meet Friday night for dinner?  Can’t you feel your heart beating when you say hello for the first time?  It’s a lot like your first kiss.  The technology has changed, but have the rules?  Using an Internet Website to find a mate is simply a different way to achieve our goal, right?  We’re the same people!  We were raised with values and are determined not to compromise those beliefs.  No date is worth it, no matter how thrilling the chase!  Then again, weren’t we the ones running around at recess playing “tag”?  Just try to tell me you didn’t have a crush on the boy (or girl) you were “tagging”.  Right.  Uh huh.

So, does this mean we are all doomed to cancel our Match.com subscription and go back to hanging out in grocery stores and book clubs?  No.  The truth is, things really haven’t changed so much, at least when it comes to playground rules of engagement.  The things we learned in Kindergarten courting can be applied.  It makes sense if you think about it.

1.  Be nice.  If you aren’t nice, nobody will pick you to be on their team.

2.  If the cute boy won’t let you play on the “cop” team, there happens to be a very handsome future doctor on the “robber” team.  Check him out.

3.  If you don’t get picked to play cops and robbers, take some “me” time and hang out on the swing set for a while.  Sometimes playing hard to get isn’t a bad idea.

4.  Never take your best friend’s place on the “cop” team if she gets kicked off.  It’s not worth losing your BFF over.

5.   Just because a boy takes your lunch money and lets you be on his “cop” team does not make him your boyfriend!  It makes him a “player” and it makes you stupid!  But I am putting my money on you.  Life’s playground is not always an easy place to be and sometimes we get bruised.  Follow the rules, remember Barbie and Ken were dolls, and don’t “make whoopee” until you are sure what it really is!  When you do find your prince (or princess) charming, drop me a line.  I love happy endings.  God Bless.

The Dark Side of Valentine’s Day

Today is Valentine’s Day – or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!”  Jay Leno

Two weeks ago a good friend of mine sent me a message asking if she should force her daughter to attend school on Valentine’s Day.  According to my friend, this young teen has been in agony over the prospect of facing giggling girls receiving vases of flowers and boxes of chocolates.  My friend explained her daughter loved school and never wanted to skip, but she was asking in advance to play hooky on February 14th.  My answer was, “Of course let her skip!  Take her shopping, get her nails done, and make the day about self love.  Tell her how special she is.  And tell her next year she won’t want to skip because she will have grown into a stronger, more confident young woman who will understand the silliness of the day!”

Was my response right?  Who knows. I have adult female friends who call in sick on Valentine’s Day for the exact reason!  If the sight of a stuffed teddy bear will send a professional woman running, imagine how alone and hurt a 15 year old may feel.  I started calling Valentine’s Day, “Single Awareness Day” several years ago.  I am sure many hopeless romantics will disagree.  After all, who am I to criticize the holiday?  But for all the 1-800 Dial- a- Flower orders being placed at this moment, I must ask, “Is it worth it?”  Think about it.  Valentine’s Day is the only holiday responsible for bringing awareness to your relationship status.  You are either in or out.  Even in elementary school there are kid’s who get pretty cards, and kid’s who don’t.  When I was young, some teachers forced everyone to give the “smelly little boy” a valentine. Seven year olds are not usually graced in the art of being subtle.  Smelly little boy didn’t have a valentine’s box so he got a crumpled mess on his desk with a couple random candy hearts.  I remember watching in anticipation to see which girls would get the “best” valentines.  The shoeboxes turned into shiny mailboxes sitting proud on our desks as we waited for that “special someone” to visit our desk.  My square cardboard mailbox was never very pretty.  Because my Mother was ill and I had to share aluminum foil and construction paper with my little sisters,  the glamorous box I imagined was always an embarrassing mess.  Never mind “Samantha’s box”, a bedazzled conglomeration of pink glitter with actual blinking lights around the mailbox slot.  Samantha’s big haired Mother beamed proudly over pink frosted cupcakes while my bag of greasy potato chips went unnoticed.  I remember Samantha in all her Valentine’s glory, handing out cupcakes while the second grade boys professed their love.  The other girls and I hid in the cloakroom, whispering, “Oh no she didn’t!” while pinky swearing to get even.  I’m pretty sure it was the first time I actually considered committing violence on Cupid’s Birthday. But the attention span of a 2nd grader lasts until about recess and we had lots of sugar to burn off.  But in years to follow, I would develop deeper issues surrounding a holiday intended to promote love.

Fast forward to 10th grade.  Valentines Day at High School!  I am convinced this cute senior I’ve been checking out will be sending me a rose.  The Student Council is selling single roses to raise money for prom.  I watch excitedly from the small window in Geometry Class a posse of squealing girls travel up and down the hall.  Finally, the rose parade reaches my class and my name is called out.  I rise and gracefully make my way towards the center of the room, picturing the handsome boy taking me to prom.  I reach to receive the rose, the ultimate promise of love, and am handed a rose spray painted black.  The room explodes in laughter when the card is read out lout, “Never steal my blue jeans again!  Love, your sister, Julie.”  Julie!  What a brat!  The rest of the day was spent plotting my sister’s untimely death, or at least figuring out how to get back at her.  I’m almost sure the next morning we went to school with black eyes.  This is my point.  Valentine’s Day is destructive!  People get hurt!

For years I was able to tame the Valentine’s Beast within me.  I avoided Hallmark commercials.  I didn’t wear red.  I avoided chocolate at all costs (that last one was a complete lie).  Overall I think I did well considering the Valentine’s Trauma I suffered. But just because you have come out of the darkness does not mean the shadows do not continue to lurk.

It happened one cold and rainy Valentine’s Day.  The year was 1990.  I had worked late and needed milk for my son’s breakfast. That’s when I spotted them.  A group of grown men huddled about the Hallmark section, desperately trying to find a last minute card for their significant other.  The look in their eye was sheer panic.  The clock on the wall said 8:45 p.m.  Only 15 more minutes to find their lady something amazing in Rite Aid or it would be bed in the dog house!  Some men wondered aimlessly to the cosmetic section, desperately picking up random lipsticks or finger nail polish. One man had a box of Kotex in his cart and was trying to size it to a pretty gift bag.  It was like a Valentine’s Apocalypse!  I didn’t know whether to help or run screaming.  I was just about to turn and leave when I saw him.  My husband.  Right there.  Most of the men wore the same hunting camouflage so they sort of blended in.   I rushed to make my escape.  I couldn’t wait to see what treasures he brought home.  A gift certificate to Macy’s would have been nice.

At 9:27 p.m. I heard the sound of my husband’s truck pull into our gravel driveway.  I tried to act casual.  He walked in with  (you guessed it!) a Rite Aid bag in one hand, and a six pack of beer in the other.  I wondered which was for me.  I won’t get into details, because some things should be kept sacred.  But failing to disclose the content of the bag would be unfair to my readers.  The red and white plastic bag contained:

1.  One Valentine’s Day Card.  The card was in the envelope but not signed.  On the front of the card was a picture of an African American couple walking hand in hand on the beach.  I secretly wished I could apologize to the couple on the card.

2.  One bag of Levi Garrett Chewing Tobacco.

3.  One box of assorted “Rite Aid” brand of chocolates, and

4.  One battery operated stuffed monkey that sang, “Love is a Battlefield”.

To say I was stunned is putting it lightly.  Suddenly, the memories came flooding back… tin foil mailboxes, bedazzled Mothers and black roses.  I think all those years just built up and the Levi Garrett just pushed me right over the edge.  I have never been the same.

It’s taken a lot of time over the years to recover from the Valentine’s tragedies.  I have forgiven all the people responsible and like to think of myself in a happy place.  In case you’re wondering, “smelly little boy” is now the CEO of his own international company.  He married Samantha.  Unfortunately, Samantha’s Mother was involved in a nasty bedazzling accident and never recovered.  The Father of my amazing son, Michael, and I decided we were we much better off celebrating holidays separately, but we remain good friends and are stronger people because of it.  I married Kevin in December 2011 and although it is cheesy to say, everyday with my husband is a day filled with love.  The couple walking down the beach on the hallmark card lived happily ever after….

I have devoted my Valentine’s Days to spreading the word about self love.  There’s something to be said about loving yourself before you can be capaple of loving another.  This Valentine’s Day, reach out and give yourself a big hug!  Because if there is one reason in the world to celebrate a holiday about love, you will find it by looking in the mirror.  Besides, against all odds, I found the kind of love worth waiting for.  It may have taken me a lot of tin foil mailboxes to get there, but life is funny that way.

Note: All characters and events in this blog are either true, an exaggeration, or a lie.  🙂